Content warnings:

Sudden loud noises at 05:02, Explosion and high pitch ringing at 07:12, 19:06.

[INTRO][CRACKLING, TAPPING]
Only Clutterbuck:
Helloooo? Testing 1, 2, 7, 28, 3. Uhh okay! I think we’re good! Hey guys! I… don’t know who might be listening to this… might just be me. Or maybe it’s the universe? If the universe is listening… I’m a big fan. Sometimes literally! An oversized fan is one of my several favorite forms to take. This is Only Clutterbuck, coming at, whoever may be listening, from the town of Sallow Eyes in the city state of Chrysalis upon the planet with an ever-growing list of names. I am recording this on my ‘Record-o-Matic 8000’. It sucked that I had to power this thing with synthetic nail clippings for so long, I think it… permanently scuffed the sound system? Sorry if this sounds a little… fuzzy. But!! Luckily, I now have organic, locally sourced nail clippings to power it with, and I can already hear the difference.Anyways. I am recording this today… because I have made a discovery! It isn’t too often that I do that. It is 7:38 am and I am currently about halfway through my 20-minute walk from my apartment complex to the Duck Factory! Where I make ducks to supply the people in this fine city state every weekday from 8 to 3. On my walk to the Duck Factory, I always pass by a laboratory. I’m not sure exactly what they do in there, the only thing that assures me that it is in fact a laboratory, is the bright green neon sign outside that says “Laboratory”. The word framed on either side by little cartoon test tubes filled with a bubbling liquid.But what I do know, is that today when I walked by, I saw a storage cart sitting outside the doors that someone had left unattended. And on this cart. On this cart! Was... the cuuutest little robot I have ever seen... in my life. It’s tiny. So tiny, in fact, that I’m holding it in my arms as I record this. It has several little appendages with different cooking utensils attached to them and a big ol’ lens that just stares right into your soul and… the cutest ancient hieroglyphs carved into its metal body. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this little guy is happy to have escaped from his fate in a stuffy old laboratory! He has a little controller with him too. It even has a holographic video interface to see through his lens. Real fancy stuff!I’m keeping it in my bag for now, wouldn’t want anything to happen to that. Of course, to celebrate, I got out my pocket-sized bottle of glitter spray, and gave him a few spritzes. And after adding a couple rhinestones for added sparkle, he’s looking great! There’s absolutely nothing that a little pizazz can’t fix. …Except my relationship with my father. Pizazz is actually what caused that whole debacle, I can never truly see glitter the same way after that. But, I’ve made my peace and come around to enjoying its presence once again.Ah… you need a name, don’t you little guy? [HUM] You… strike me… as… a… Humphrey- no no no. Humphri. With an I! Isn’t misspelling names cool these days. I’m gonna take Humphri with me to work. Everyone is gonna love him. Who… wouldn’t love this little dude? I’ll be honest making ducks all day can sure get monotonous. Maybe this will put a break in the day and lift everyone’s spirits![SOUND OF TAPE BEING REWINDED][DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND CLOSED]
Only Clutterbuck (cont.):
Ah, the fumes greet me once again, heh! You know, I used to hate that factory smell, bleurgh, but… it’s kinda grown on me. It may not smell good, but it smells… familiar. And sometimes, familiarity can be nice. Even if it is not… necessarily… pleasant. C’mon Humphri! Let’s get started![HUMS, VARIOUS SOUNDS WHICH TURN TO HAMMERING-LIKE THUDS.] C’mon you… stupid… [THUDS CONTINUE] Ugh. Work! [SIGH] And that should do it! Ahah, man. I’ve set up the Duck machine so many times, that I could do it with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. Not that I’d ever try, but I’m like 87% sure I’d be able to. Now, we just have t- [HUMPHRI SINGS A LITTLE TUNE] H-hey! Humphri what are you doing?[ONLY SNICKERS] You guys! Not only is Humphri awake, but he’s trying to press the buttons on the Duck machine with his spatula attachment! Hold on my controller must be in the bag in a way that is making him move lemme- lemme fix that. [RUSTLING, MUMBLING] Where is this thing? [SOFT THUD] Oh- shit! No- no that’s worse. That’s worse! Humphri stop pressing buttons. [ONLY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I don’t even know what half of those do-[LOUD EXPLOSION, HIGH PITCHED RINGING][ONLY COUGHS AND GASPS FOR AIR] J- Jesus Christ [FEW MORE COUGHS] Wh- What? What was that? Oh holy- Oh… God my head. F-uck… I think I. I hit my head on the wall, I was thrown… back on to th- Wait. Humphri? Humphri!? Hey! Hey Humphri! Are you in here- no? [FRANTIC] Uhm Humphri! Hey uhhh… C’mere boy! Ppspspspsps. H- Humphri-! I… I- I have treats! I have… fuck what do robots eat? Uhm… Hum- Humphri! Hum… Humphri… Uhm. Uhh… [A BEAT OF SILENCE]Humphri… is gone. N- Not ‘blown up’ or- or- or ‘smashed to pieces’. He- He’s- He’s... He’s just. Gone! There’s no trace of him anywhere. Uh- [STAMMERING] I should look around better! [NERVOUS LAUGH] H- He can’t just be gone this is a tiny room! I’m just somehow just… not seeing him? [SOUNDS OF DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING, SILENCE]
Shit. I’m gonna get fired.
[RECORDING ENDS]

[INTERMISSION JINGLE]

[TAPE RECORDER CLICK]
Aster Folt:
Hello? This is Aster Folt, err, right now I’m walking home from the place I dogsit. I watch the Farr’s* dogs, and uh, now that I think about it, I can barely remember when I started doing that. I mean, I think it’s been about 4 years? I- I don’t know. Time isn’t something I rely on, really, and it’s not a concept that has helped me in the past. So, I don’t usually count it. I stayed the night, uhm, they have a guest room. It’s much smaller than my regular one but u-uh I don’t know? Uh, maybe it’s the two gigantic dogs watching over me as I sleep… or the walls so close it almost feels like a hug… that makes it feel more like home.I mean… I- I do have a home! A house. Couple blocks away. My family’s there… probably waiting. I can sort of feel their disapproval when I go out each day to, check on the dogs. Though, it’s a constant struggle to tell whether they’re worried for me or… embarrassed. Maybe it’s a mix of both? I tried to ask them before but… our family doesn’t exactly have a uhm… uh… c- clear line of communication.It’s early right now, the sun is just peeking it’s spiky little head over the horizon, melting the velvety black of the night sky away with bright hues of pink and orange. I think it’s going to be another dull, cool gray day. Maybe we’ll get a little rain! I- I dont know? I lost my talent for sniffing out the weather years ago. [WIP]

* Transcriber note: I have no idea if Farr is the right spelling, but it sounds right so we’re sticking with it unless Mack and Zeph correct it

[BANGER INTRO][HUMPHRI SINGS, DISTANT YELLS.]
[RAPID CONVERSTATION BETWEEN ASTER AND ONLY. INITIALS WILL BE USED FOR EASE OF UNDERSTANDING]OC: [PANTING]
AF: Hello.
OC: [STILL PANTING]
AF: Hello?
OC: Hello? Wait… Humphri?!
AF: You mean your stupid fucking robot? Yeah. He’s here.
OC: Oh. Oh my god is he ok?
AF: Not when I’m done with him.
OC: [FRANTIC] No no no no no don’t hurt him please.
AF: … Who are you? If you want him so bad, why don’t you come back here and take him?
OC: [STUTTERING] Sorry I- I’m very busy… at the moment-
AF: [INTERRUPTS] The fuck are you doing? You sound like a dog.
OC: I am… running.
AF: Ah, of course you are. What are you so scared of? You clearly didn’t have an issue with pranking me just a moment ago.
OC: …Scientists.
AF: What?
OC: …Scientists.
AF: Scientists. Scientists? I’m not a fucking scientists.
OC: O-oh. [DEEP BREATH] Well that’s good!
AF: I don’t know who the fuck you are but I really do not appreciate you wasting my time. Is this a fucking joke to you?
OC: [EXASPARRATED] I fucking wish.
AF: Am I… a joke to you? What the hell do you think you’re accomplishing by fucking exploding me? Are you some kind of degenerate? Huh? You saw me and thought this would be fucking funny? Well. Ha. Ha. You got your fucking laugh, now come out of the bushes, dipshit. And let’s see who’s laughing then.
OC: [OUT OF BREATH] I’m sorry but.. I- I, I.. I have no clue who you are. Actually.
AF: Of course, you don’t! No one does. Asshole. No one knows. Shit. Now stop being a fucking creep. Which way did you run? I’ll find you.

Transcriber note:
In the first 3 minutes, Aster has said a total of 9 fucks, 1 shit, 1 asshole and 1 dipshit.
In contrast, Only has said a total of 1 fuck.

Text